The Student News Site of Buckingham Browne & Nichols School

The Vanguard

The Student News Site of Buckingham Browne & Nichols School

The Vanguard

The Student News Site of Buckingham Browne & Nichols School

The Vanguard

What if corpses controlled Congress?

What if corpses controlled Congress?

The unfortunate truth about the human race: It’s prone to decay. Every time a politician retires or, more often, dies, the loss of their sagacity forces the nation to find the next oldest one as their replacement. Older politicians are critical to the government. They are unconcerned with the many obstacles to unbiased decision-making: protestors, empathy, or even the youthful policies of modern nations.

Picture this. 1976: Rocky is released, the first space shuttle is launched, and Chuck Grassley is elected to the House of Representatives with some big ideas. Among the most notable: his objection to making Martin Luther King Day a national holiday out of fear that the government wouldn’t function with the one day off. Grassley’s work ethic is so strong; he condemned any break! At 89 years old, Grassley is among the oldest politicians. Like 54% of Congress, he was born before the 1964 Civil Rights Act. Yes, this is what we want for our country.

How can our great nation retain declining politicians in their prime, when they have the greatest potential?

Ouija boards. Instead of consulting old politicians in their last years, we must consult them after they pass. Elected officials would remain in office to draft laws, but the endless bickering of Congress would be reduced to the silent scraping of felt on wood. All federal decisions voted on in Congress would be deflected to the unimpeachable word of the dead.

I have only one purpose: constructing a better country—a country run by corpses.

Let’s talk logistics. The two oldest members from each party will approach the board and pay their proper respects before beginning the paranormal process. They will summon by each placing one hand on the planchette. Only the definitive answers of YES and NO will pass or veto legislation, and any other response will result in a recess and reassessment. If spirits offer a message unrelated to the proposed bill, another round of communication will commence until a sensible message is transmitted.

Once a decision is made, it’s final. So, no objections from any living person. This measure prevents bias arising from needless influences like modern technology, compassion, or the economy, all of which could steer the living to rash decisions. Also, the dead will have no objections because Congress will strictly ask for their vote.

Now I know what you’re thinking. What if people try to bribe the dead? The fortunate thing about spirits is that they have no connection to material items. There’s not a single thing in this world that would be of interest to the dead, and that’s what makes them the perfect candidates for government. To those concerned that one living politician might manipulate the planchette, I must ask: Why do they have so little faith in the honesty of our government? No politician would ever try to manipulate the proceedings of Congress! But to ease the stress of those irrational skeptics, the designated Ouija borders will be sworn in. This unbreakable bond never fails in the hallowed halls of American Congress.

At first glance, this proposal may anger many of the beloved elderly in the office. After all, they have lived their ancient lives only to have their power handed to even older elders. But they need only wait a few years and they, too, will be among the spirits making decisions. Once they pass to the other side, they will have all the power they wished for while on Earth and eternity to impose their beliefs.

This process will result in actual legislative decisions. To some, it may be a foreign concept, but the purpose of this government is to further legislation. Many young people come in with big ideas of “progressive” bills, but nonstop argument impedes the public interest in government. With my proposal, we would finally stop hearing words like “majority” and “bipartisanship” because at the end of the day, who cares about the content of the decision as long as it’s being made?

Leaving decisions to the wisdom of the dead benefits voters by relieving pressure. No longer will they have to do five painstaking minutes of research to find their candidate. Only a fool would object to a solution that benefits so many Americans!

Some may prefer less “radical” legislation. You might be thinking, perhaps a term or age limit. To that I say, are you listening to this proposal at all? The nation does not need new and fresh ideas, and our elder politicians need experience for their roles in the afterlife. No limits ensure that the elderly stay in office for longer and therefore take spots away from younger politicians. Only people who want to watch this country burn want to make changes that may serve the more youthful generations of politicians.

I am only 16. I have decades to go before I will join the side of the dead and start decision-making. Until then, I can only defer to their impeccable judgment.

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