Who let the dogs out? BB&N hounds exposed

By Tarika Narain

Name: Leo
Owner: Head of School Rebecca Upham
Breed: Golden Retriever

His name is Leo, but he prefers “Supreme Leader.” He’s the man behind the scenes, pulling all the strings: he writes Ms. Upham’s speeches, attends daily meetings with Mr. Theobald, and has the last word on any hiring decisions. His favorite pastimes include stealing tennis balls from athletes and tricking innocent students into opening the door and letting him into the school. Despite Ms. Upham’s frequent pleas for students to keep Leo outdoors, he’s often sighted padding stealthily down a corridor, leaving muddy paw prints in his wake. If you want to avoid falling victim to Leo’s trickery, here’s a tip: be careful not to look into his eyes, or the next thing you know you’ll wake up on the roof, and Leo will be roaming the halls. I recommend checking behind corners with a mirror.

Name: Tedy
Owner: Assistant Director of Athletics Kathy Newell
Breed: Sheltie

Tedy is best known in the dog community as the athlete turned intellectual. Though he once started on the Boys Varsity Hockey team (BVH), he quit when he found his greater calling in the sciences, and BVH hasn’t been the same since. He spends his days cooped up in his master’s office, pondering such great conundrums as the meaning of life and the reason behind the sky’s pearly blue hue. Occasionally, he chooses to sit outside the office or run around outside with some athletes, but don’t be fooled—he’s actually collecting information on human behavior for his future experiments (just call him “DOGtor” Tedy). All of the data goes into the lab notebook that he stores under his voluptuous coat of fur. That’s why his hair’s so big: it’s full of science.

Names: Zeus & Reggie
Owner: Head Football Coach John Papas
breed: Great Dane

When you’re staring out the window during bio (I mean, what?), you’re likely to see one of two things. The first is a group of Shady Hill kids playing some kind of sport (it’s usually difficult to tell exactly which), screaming as if they are being exorcised instead of exercised. The second is a pair of horses chasing sticks. At first, you may think that the school has finally invested in two noble steeds for our mascot, the knight, but alas, they’re not horses at all! They’re actually Coach Papas’ dogs, the football stars of the dog community. You may think they’re just running after tennis balls out there, but they’re actually doing sprints to tone themselves for the upcoming Dog Bowl finals against their rivals, Rexbury Latin.

Name: Fritz & Ziggy
Owner: Chorale Director Joe Horning
Breed: Miniature Schnauzer

These dogs take after their master in more ways than one. Not only do all three sport magnificent moustaches, but they’re also all very musically gifted. Ziggy spends his days playing piano and composing opera, while Fritz is an active participant in rap battles across the country. They’re the stars of the chorale and of the Nightingales. Ziggy is writing and acting in a one-dog Broadway musical; Fritz’s album, featuring collaborations with Katy Perry’s cat, Kitty Purry, and Nicki Minaj’s newest canine alter ego, drops this summer. Occasionally, the dogs and their master harmonize. The trio received a standing ovation at Cabaret Night.

Name: Bubba
Owner: Coach Papas
Breed: Pug

He’s the ultimate tri-varsity athlete. He’s a quarterback, point guard, and lax bro. He’s a little dog among big dogs, but he has assumed the role of leader of the Varsity Athlete Wolf Pack. While Leo is the Supreme Leader of the Upper School, Bubba is the Captain of the Nicholas Athletic Center. He calls all the shots: the two 185-pound Great Danes are slaves to his every command. In addition to that, he often helps his master coach the football team. He taught Coach Papas the art of intimidation. All the Division 1 colleges are fighting over his athletic talent. He balls ’till he falls, and when he falls, he makes Zeus and Reggie carry him around on their backs, while Coach Papas scratches behind his ears.

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