By Thomas Hislop ’13
There I was, diving into a bowl of the BB&N cafeteria’s world-famous chicken noodle soup, when the greatest idea since the Capri-Sun pouch hit me. What if my sole purpose for the month of May were to become the ‘Most Interesting Person at BB&N’? Could it be done? What would it entail? The idea seemed so absurd, so mischievous, that I thought I might need Mr. Morton’s OK. By the time the chocolate milk hit my stomach, I was deep into planning. Sure, my task will include automatics, like beating Aaron Sipser at ping-pong, out-dancing Axel Lopez, and rocking a scarf identical to Augie Briger’s. But what if I get inventive? What if I think outside of the box? Needless to say, the task of becoming a campus legend would be interesting.
The first step is simple: cook a meal for Keith Jones and gain his culinary respect. Anyone who can do this will instantly join BB&N’s best. Combing through his incredible lunch menus, I’ve noticed Keith has some routines. It is widely accepted that the BB&N cafeteria does soup better than Campbell’s itself, whether with the hearty vegetable or the thick corn chowder. Any meal I make for Chef Jones has to start with a fantastic, I-wanted-a-sandwich-but-love-this-broth soup. Then, to finish off the meal, the entrée will be multi-colored ziti with Alfredo sauce. Sometimes, maybe only after full moons, the pasta-bar fanatics are shocked when they see the creamy sauce come out on the bar. Don’t be mistaken; this isn’t just some Alfredo sauce. This is Keith’s Alfredo sauce. Plus, I can’t go wrong with spaghetti’s awkward cousin, multi-colored ziti. The next course needs to be the bananas. It’s common knowledge that whenever the bananas look bad, Keith is hurting. Don’t think that a bad batch of bananas will go unscathed; Mr. Jones will get to the root of the problem. If I’m going to cook for Mr. Jones, I will need the finest bananas on this side of the border.
Once I make a meal for Chef Jones, I’m going to be feeling real good. I’m talking post-“Someone-Like-You”-cry-session good. How can I follow that? Something short and sweet: hold the door for Mr. Theobald after morning assembly. I know what you’re thinking: “That can’t be done! The guy is always at the door first!” Here’s where my idea comes in. I’ll put a second door outside the first one. Mr. Theobald will come strolling out of the school assembly at 8:15 and BAM, a door he can’t open! While he holds the first door, I step in for the second, rocking the sweater vest and cheek-to-cheek smile. His monopoly on opening doors in the morning will finally come to an end.
Now is when I get daring. To be the most interesting person, I have to take some risks. How about this: I beat Brendan O’Neil in an arm wrestling match. Hear me out–I’ll give him a couple of seconds. I’m not looking for anyone to cry. Again, I leave the tears to Adele. I’ll aim for a casual victory, maybe walk out and head for Mount Auburn Hospital while attempting to hold my arm in place. Once my elbow has been surgically removed, I’ll know the victory will have been totally worth it. Sure, this match will be a tough win, but the good thing about arms is that you have two of them.
Then it gets tricky because I don’t know if this idea can logistically happen. Every BB&N guy has that conversation where he asks, “What if I tried to go to Women’s Issues Group?” I don’t just want to go to a meeting–I want to be president of the club. To be honest, I’m not really sure what goes on in there. I don’t know where it meets, for that matter. I imagine the room to be pretty secretive and similar to the Chamber of Secrets at Hogwarts. Either way, I have a feeling that entering the club would be riveting, like that feeling when you get into an R-rated movie when you’re sixteen and a half.
This journey seems possible, and I might even take on some more challenges on the way. Why not take away Ms. McNamara’s phone? I could always bring Ms. Donohue to prom. Or, how about I bike down the West Coast with Mr. Rollinson? Wait–it’s already been done? Wow, and here I was thinking I was the first person to attempt becoming the ‘Most Interesting Person at BB&N.’ Here’s a tip of the hat to you, Mr. Fidler. I can only hope there is room for another intriguing person at BB&N as I attempt to stake my claim as the most interesting student on campus.