Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone! I know what you’re thinking: “Thank God, James is here to share his mad skills on how to get girls.” Well, yes—and no. It is true I wheel on Tinder (*cough* 850 matches *cough*); however, I want to show that though I may be the Don Jon of our generation, it hasn’t always been this easy.
Back in the day, I was an absolute squid. Skinny, pimply, cocky—I could go on and on—but somehow, I was still able to have a few girlfriends. (I actually don’t know if I can call them girlfriends, considering it was sixth and seventh grade and we didn’t even go to school together, so I saw them maybe twice a month.)
Despite our somewhat long-distance relationship, my last girlfriend, Sarah, and I were madly in love. Our highlight was when I took her to the Bruno Mars concert. It was awesome because I told all my friends that I was going to the concert because she loved Bruno Mars, but the truth was that I just really wanted to see Bruno Mars myself. Long story short, for our sixth-month anniversary, I took her to the movies. Five minutes in, she showed me her phone, which read, “I think we should just be friends.” After I slowly removed my arm from around her shoulder, I sat painfully, avoiding all eye contact, for the rest of the two-hour movie. Good timing, Sarah!
The next year, when I entered middle school at BB&N in seventh grade, I met tons of new girls, yet none of them seemed to dig me. Sad! Finally, by the end of the school year, I had built up the courage to ask a girl out on a date. To preserve her anonymity, I’ll refrain from using her actual name. Let’s just call her Cecelia Galligan. We planned to meet for lunch in Harvard Square, an almost impossible journey for a 13-year-old from Wakefield, but I was determined to get there regardless.
From my house, I had to walk down the street, take the 136 bus (which comes once every 45 minutes) to Oak Grove, take the Orange Line to Downtown Crossing, transfer to the Red Line, and take that to Harvard Square. In all, the process would take as long as an hour and 15 minutes. I got all the way to Park Street when I got a text from Cecelia saying, “I can’t make it. Sorry!”
I read the text, died a little inside, and then I figured that I might as well still eat in the Square since I had endured such an arduous journey to get there. After arriving, I headed straight to Subway, which was packed because it was a stormy day, and I couldn’t find a seat in the entire building. I knew I couldn’t just sit on the floor, so I made my way outside, decided it wasn’t raining too hard—in retrospect, it definitely was—and sat down. Immediately after the first bite of my sub, a torrential downpour began. So there I was, wet and lonely, eating a soggy sub.
I’ve come a long way since those dark days. Luckily, both Sarah and Cecelia are very good friends of mine now, and I was kind enough to forgive them for what they did. Holding a grudge never feels good, so I suggest all you guys forgive those who have rejected you, no matter how horribly they may have made you feel.
The point of these anecdotes is not to shame myself publically, but rather to tell all of my fellow squids out there, who may feel as though they have no chance at getting a hot date, that it is possible. And Valentine’s Day is the perfect day to take chances.
If there’s something you’ve been wanting to tell someone, tell them! Buy that person a rose. Woo them! If you really aren’t one for grand romantic gestures, that’s okay, but still do something to make someone feel special.
If you’re still lacking motivation after reading this, just remember the epic ballad of Andrew Kellogg-Peeler. This man was friend-zoned for THREE YEARS before his current girlfriend came to her senses, and now, they are going seven months strong! Andrew is my hero and the reason I still have hope in humanity.
All in all, I hope every single one of you has a lovely Valentine’s Day. If you’re single, make some moves. If you’re dating someone, tell them you love them. If you’re on Tinder, swipe right for me. And if you’re on Snapchat, add me (@jlamp8)!
Xoxo, James Lamps.