Opinion

BB&N Blob to please all

Good news! Our school has phased out its previous mascot, the infamous lance-holding knight, and replaced him with something much less phallic, or penicular: another knight, simply without the lance!

But The Vanguard believes even this new mascot simply will not do. Has anyone noticed those beady eyes glinting beneath his visor? They’re up to no good. Think of all the scared onlookers who will be forced to encounter his vulgar stare! He is altogether too suggestive—you might as well rename him The Horny Helm of Cambridge!

And that feather plume atop his head is scandalous. Think of all the poor, animated animals that probably suffered as they were plucked of their innocence to make that pointless prop. We might have some round tables in our humanities classrooms, but chivalry is dead, people! The ends don’t justify the means.

Accordingly, we propose a third mascot: a gray, amorphous shape that will occupy the fronts of our sweatshirts, the bumpers on our cars, and that special place in our hearts. How glorious the shape shall be! Let us call it Neutral the Blob.

Knights were traditionally male, but Neutral the Blob will be genderless, making Blob more accessible to the community at large. Without a defined figure, Neutral will not discriminate against certain body types or promote unhealthy body image.

Neutral is honorable, Neutral is scholarly, Neutral is kind­—thus the beauty of the blob. Come on, BB&N. Get with the times.

Good news! Our school has phased out its previous mascot, the infamous lance-holding knight, and replaced him with something much less phallic, or penicular: another knight, simply without the lance!

But The Vanguard believes even this new mascot simply will not do. Has anyone noticed those beady eyes glinting beneath his visor? They’re up to no good. Think of all the scared onlookers who will be forced to encounter his vulgar stare! He is altogether too suggestive—you might as well rename him The Horny Helm of Cambridge!

And that feather plume atop his head is scandalous. Think of all the poor, animated animals that probably suffered as they were plucked of their innocence to make that pointless prop. We might have some round tables in our humanities classrooms, but chivalry is dead, people! The ends don’t justify the means.

Accordingly, we propose a third mascot: a gray, amorphous shape that will occupy the fronts of our sweatshirts, the bumpers on our cars, and that special place in our hearts. How glorious the shape shall be! Let us call it Neutral the Blob.

Knights were traditionally male, but Neutral the Blob will be genderless, making Blob more accessible to the community at large. Without a defined figure, Neutral will not discriminate against certain body types or promote unhealthy body image.

Neutral is honorable, Neutral is scholarly, Neutral is kind­—thus the beauty of the blob. Come on, BB&N. Get with the times.

– Pavel Frantsen ’16

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